"Thank God for granting this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty- the world will feel my truths." - Shawn Cory Carter
It's crazy what others perspection of you maybe, verses the perspection you may have of yourself. How you feel about yourself in your current state, how you have grown for best or worse, change physically, emotionally, and for me, most important, spiritually. I posted on a Instagram a cute little comment piece that asked why do you like me or what peaks your interest when it comes to me? The respone(s) that were made, were powerful words that sometimes I don't necessararily see in myself. Not because I don't feel like I possess the adjectives described, but maybe because the perception of where I would like to be, who I want to be, and who I am now are three different people.
Probably one of the most powerful words I have ever heard to describe me, and I'm starting to hear it a lot more often. Funny thing is I don't feel I embodied this word to its fullest potential. Yes, I have faced some of my biggest fears with in these last two and half years of my move, but I know I have a lot more to face. It's interesting to me what makes people FEAR and FEARLESS. What you say you would never have the balls to do, but you never will/ would know because you haven't, or are willing to be put in the position to face it. And I face all my issues with fear. But I have to do what I have to do in order do to get to what and where I want to be in life. One of my biggest fears and misunderstandings of myself is myself. I am most definitely my biggest critic, and biggest road block of any of my accomplishments and doings, due to my fear of failure. My best friend has made me recite this saying for every time I beat myself up that has stuck with me and made me become a fighter.
"RISK MAY CAUSE FAILURE, BUT SUCCESS MAY NOT COME WITHOUT IT..."
It took me along time to understand this saying, but I got it now. You may never really succeed in this lifetime until you fail at least once to learn how to do it better for the next try/ go round. So in others words, suck that shit up, dust your ass off, grill up the bulshit fear, and get to it. No one is going to give anything to you, that you don't ask or work your ass off for. And that includes the creator. The key word us TRY. If you are willing to at least attempt to try, you will open at least one door, and you may never comeback to what was the original fearful thought, once you find out what you are really made of and how hard that fear maybe.
I feel I embodied this word, be clear that I said this in a past tense term. I use to pride myself on being so optimistic and thinking so big and so positive that I knew you couldn't break my spirit, until I moved to Atlanta. My spirit was broken, crush, destroyed, and stepped on again. All for the creator to teach me and prepare me for what was to come, humility. The biggest blessing to moving from a small city, to a larger on going, driven city, was the gift of humility. Learning to appreciate everrrrryyyyy siiiinnnnggggllleeee thing that came my way. You never, ever, ever, ever appreciate some shit until you have been striped of basic needs, want and a comfort lifestyle that you are accustomed to. This entire year, until October 10th, I have been living on people's couches and floors, to chase and continue to create my dream. And now as I write this I realize that I still had optimism. I was optimistic that I would still be ok, I would find a place, of my own, in the area I wanted, which I would could afford. But I didnt, God did. He found me a small one bedroom apartment in buckhead made just for me so I could continue on this gift that he gave me. So if being optimistic creates some type of hope of which I lean on God for, then my optimism is bigger and better than ever.
Blame that shit on my momma(s.) I never seen two black women make so many sacrifices for one person in my life. That person being me. My mother, Barbara Anne Washington, Esq. Everything she has ever taught me in my life has had something to do with hustling.
School of the hard knocks: (in my Barbara Anne voice.)
"1. Learn how to survive and take care of self, don't depend on anyone especially a man, because he may not always be there.
2. Learn how to multiply your resources so you will never be without anything you need and want.
3. Learn from the best, take their knowledge, and make that shit your own.
4. And win!!! You can not come back home, there is nothing here for you, and you have to win. I want a Bentley." - Barbara Anne Washington
Dr. Roxanne K. Garcia-France, my stepmother. Did whateva she had to do to help my mother in taking care of my physical, spiritual, and emotional being with when my father was "too busy" or simple just wasn't there.
I've watched both of these young girls turn into grown women, and you cannot tell me what a black women with a plan cannot do. Point. Blank. Period. So you hustle. You hustle like you see these men do, because they want it, but I earned and feel I deserve it. So I'm going to get it, any way I know how to make myself a living legend that my family can be proud of.
DEDICATION & DRIVE
I don't feel like I really have a choice. I honestly could not tell you any other thing I could do with my life since I started this chase at 16. I cannot picture being anything else and that's because God didn't give me another vision. For those who have dreams, goals, etc., also know that this is not yours to really claim. Of course I grind for my family and to hopefully spoil the absolute shit out of my mom, that work 3 jobs and sacrificed her dreams just so I could be here. But I mainly do this because God told me to. He gave me a gift to manage in the physical being on earth that one day will lead people back to him through me in which ever way I know how. And that's through my Fashion... Art... Style...
Now you are probably thinking, omg she is super religious, why she keep bringing up God? I'm so far from religious it's unreal. I can't tell you the order of the bible names, of all of the books, none of that. I sin, on a everyday basis, and talk big shit all day, but I know there is something up there that has procteced my black ass from major harm, has kept me in a position to keep fighting when shit has gotten so bad that I have had thoughts of ending myself. When you have something so powerful taking over you and telling you "this is what I need you to do to help somebody, to put a smile on their faces, to inspire that person to carry on, because for some reason they are not hearing me," how can you not be dedicated and driven to succeed and accomplish your goals especially when it makes you happy? And that I want in life, is o be happy.
I have a lot flaws, I've burn bridges, done bad business, created bad decisions for myself and team at times. But again these are all learning lesson from failure so that I can eventually succeed. There isn't a handbook for this shit. So it's really nice to know that people think of me in some positive light and what I'm doing isn't completely fucked up, despite the perception I have of myself. Everyday is a challenge, that I pray God will help me through, give me strength, wisdom and courage. But most importantly keep me FEARLESSNESS, OPTIMISTIC, DEDICATED, DRIVEN, HUSTLING, and HUMBLE Vanne. I thank each person who has been a positive asset to my journey. I take all these powerful words and want to continue to live in them as I grow.
Thank you for reading. Share, like, comment, subscribe. Much love to you all.
It's my life - it's my pain and my struggle,The song that I sing to you it's my ev-ery-thing. Treat my first like my last, and my last like my first, And my thirst is the same as when I came. It's my joy and my tears and the laughter it brings to me, it's my everything.